


The Lusty Walrus

by Lovova



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Hat Corp, Hat Films, I had to guys, I had too., M/M, Pure and total crack, The Lusty Walrus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:49:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2442686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovova/pseuds/Lovova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Lusty Walrus, completed.<br/>"You can polish your own damn spear, Alsmiffy"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lusty Walrus

The Lusty Walrus

Note: I had to guys. I fucking had too.

It's not long, but it's something I wanted to write ever since that episode came out, and I finally got around to it. Enjoy, and be sure to leave a comment when you're done : ) Those things fucking make my day, I swear, it is like candy to the obese, spoiled child within me. So good and I can never have enough.

Also, to keep updated on ALL of my literary masterpieces, as I am CERTAIN all of you are desperate to do, add me on twitter as @Lovova. Twitter is fun guys.

-

Trottimus  
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers

Alsmiffy  
Is that all you have come for, greasy walrus? My chambers?

Trottimus  
I have no idea what it is you imply, Alsmiffy,

Trottimus  
I am but a poor walrus

Alsmiffy  
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong fins and shapely tail

Trottimus  
You embarrass me, sir!

Alsmiffy  
Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Trottimus  
I must finish my cleaning, sir. Djh3max will have my head if I do not!

Alsmiffy  
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you-

Alsmiffy  
Here, polish my spear

Trottimus  
But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Alsmiffy  
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

Trottimus  
No, see, you don't quite understand me. I don't actually work for you

Trottimus  
Really, you can polish your own damn spear, Alsmiffy

Alsmiffy  
Trottimus! So fiesty now!

Alsmiffy  
I like it

Alsmiffy  
I can keep it in my pants no longer! Come to me my lusty walrus!

Trottimus  
Alsmiffy!

Djh3max  
Hey! Hey! What is this then?

Djh3max  
Slacking on the job are we!?

Trottimus  
What? No! I wasn't, I swear, I-

Alsmiffy  
Stay back, sweet Trottimus! Djh3max, your tyrannical ways are now over! I intend to sweep away this dear beauty, and marry him!

Trottimus  
Woaaaah, okay, I never agreed to that

Alsmiffy  
Look, just roll with it Trott, you don't want people thinking you're some common slut. I'm making an honest walrus out of you!

Trottimus  
I don't recall actually lying about anything

Djh3max  
I'm afraid you can't do that. For you see, Trottimus is MY wife!

Djh3max  
Or at the very least he's the person who cleans my things and makes my meals and nags me occasionally and that's basically the same thing, right?

Trottimus  
Wow, no, that's horribly gender-biased actually

Trottimus  
And again I don't recall agreeing to any of this?

Trottimus  
I thought I was just some sort of maid or something

Djh3max  
What you think means little, woman!

Alsmiffy  
Yeah, Trotty-too-Hotty, keep your trap shut, this is barely even about you.

Trottimus  
What? You both are arguing over who's married to me, I think that does make me a bit involved!

Djh3max  
No no no no, see, you would think that, but that is actually not how it is at all

Alsmiffy  
Yeah, in stories like this, the love interest goes to whoever earned her, Trott, not whoever she's in love with. Don't you know your tropes you little bastard?

Trottimus  
Nah, nope, I'm not going for any of this, fuck you guys I quit

Djh3max  
Ah, but you can't leave, not only because you are bound by contact, but because you are now in a cage!

Trottimus  
What?!

Alsmiffy  
Fiend!

Trottimus  
How the fuck did I get in this cage

Djh3max  
A cage lifted above boiling lava!!

Almsiffy  
Careful Trottimus! He's using narrative witchcraft on you! 

Alsmiffy  
Two can play at that game, you cad! Feel the sting of this live swordfish that I am now jabbing you with!

Alsmiffy  
Jab! Jab!

Djh3max  
You missed!

Alsmiffy  
I did not!

Djh3max  
I've already said you missed, so you did

Alsmiffy  
Fine. I jab you again, and this time I knick your arm!

Djh3max  
Gasp! My arm!

Alsmiffy  
Haha! Give up the walrus to me or the next jab will be through your lower intestines!

Alsmiffy  
Where I will then take him back to my castle in the sky surrounded by tamed golden dragons and make greasy, disgusting love to him!

Djh3max  
Gross! I don't want to do that, I just want him to clean my stuff. And make me jetpacks and such.

Djh3max  
He's a handy little fucker to have around and I will not let you take him for your perversions!

Alsmiffy  
Our love is as beautiful as it is slick with old, spoiled walrus milk between our sweaty, salty bodies!

Alsmiffy  
I like to lick it with my non-existent mouth.

Djh3max  
Oh wow I'm actually going to barf.

Djh3max  
You are disturbed Sir!

Trottimus  
Yeah, okay, enough of this.

Trottimus  
I pull out a key that I've been hiding in my sexy maid outfit this whole time, easily escape the cage, and push both of you idiots into the lava.

Djh3max  
Gasp!

Alsmiffy  
Trottimus no!

Djh3max  
I'm on fire!

Alsmiffy  
Save us Walrus!

Djh3max  
The looooord, is my sheeeppaaaard! 

Alsmiffy  
Trott!

Trottimus  
I ignore their annoying pleas and go steal all of the loot from both their homes, putting buckets on the heads of all who might see me, and escape.

Trottimus  
I live to be a very wealthy walrus indeed, and can afford all the fish I want.

Trottimus  
And both of you assholes just fucking die, okay?

Djh3max  
Fine, alright then

Alsmiffy  
Don't have to tell me twice, douche

Trottimus  
The end.


End file.
